Not searching for a soul mate

People always talk about searching for a soul mate, but I don’t think you can really. He or she just has to be there. If you search, you put conditions on what you’re looking for – you go to places where he or she could be – then you look for people who fit the the qualities on your internal check list. You ultimately decide on the one who most closely resembles your soul mate within that pool. I am not saying this approach is never successful. I am suggesting it allows many people to settle down with the best “of the worst”, or the best of that particular group. There is a degree of compatibility and a mutual understanding that it’s the right time to step into that phase of your life, then three kids later, you have a life together. Maybe that’s not so wrong. In reality, the human race definitely would not have survived otherwise. But it’s not just that. That process isn’t less reliable or faulty necessarily.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never been able to do that and not even by any choice of my own. I’ve tried and failed, and ultimately feel like garbage and a terrible human being and like surely I have malfunctioned. My internal warning instinct goes off – like a skunk emitting spray – there is no helping it – it is a defence against predators – or maybe I’m the predator – out to rip apart an unsuspecting victim as an innate natural ritual. I’m exaggerating, A LOT. I probably just haven’t liked anyone enough or the right way.  I have a really tough time with the idea that someone who is a complete stranger becomes your family. You rely on that person entirely and trust them entirely, and if I’m ever going to do that, it’s not because the person meets certain adjectives on a list. In fact, I don’t know how I’m ever going to do that. Maybe I won’t.

The point is, there isn’t a formula. You can say “try online dating” or “travel” or “be more open-minded”, “take risks” and although that may widen the prospects – it will no more guarantee that that one person will finally find the way into my heart before I turn wild on him. I have to trust in something greater than myself for this. I have to have a little faith (and confession, 50% of the time, I don’t).

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